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I felt like I was back in high school. Alone in the corner, I wrote an email to a guy I have an idiotic, impossible crush on. I visualized wearing his class ring and dry humping at Makeout Point and all that other shit bobby-socked, pie-eyed teen girls are supposed to dream about. But how was I gonna get any gash if I was so gosh-darn boy crazy? I had to put my head in the game.

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Two women to my right talked about the Super Bowl. One had missed it because she was having "so much fun on the slopes. This was going to be a trial. The sports fan finished her conversation with the ski bum and focused her attention on me.

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Her name was, let's say, Diane. She worked in accounting, but hated it—she was a "businessperson" at heart. She stopped talking at me mid-sentence in order to set her sights on a better dressed, more chipper woman. There was no order to the conversations taking place around me. At ten minutes past the event's designated start time, women were still talking among themselves.

I am not naturally outgoing—if you couldn't tell that already—and wasn't about to throw myself at these strangers.

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I was paying for an icebreaker, for fuck's sake! Finally, the night began. My cherry popper, Sandra, told me she been to a speed-dating event before, but "a straight one. I didn't remember a single thing we talked about, other than the act of speed dating itself.

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What followed next was a dizzying cavalcade of dames—Eleanor, a personality-deficient nurse from the Philippines; Jenny, who was from Columbus, Ohio it showed ; Jessica, who worked in "disruptive technology. She was decent-looking enough, but insufferable. I had no desire to make her paradigm shift.

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Jessica II I'm already running out of fake names was a dietitian who had filed two of her teeth to a point, making them resemble vampire fangs. Rebecca was a satellite engineer who had written a screenplay about dating. Mindy was a banker who, in her spare time, wrote "dark-ass poetry. Jessica III was a social worker who, when I informed her that I was a writer, assumed I was going to write something snarky about our evening sorry, babe.

If she could have any career in an alternate universe, she told me, it would be a rabbi or a scientist. I said I'd still be a writer, but a more successful one. And so on and so on. March party Abbey Bar London. Pizza Making Master Class - as seen in the Metro!

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